2024.11.03. - sad and gay ramblings

tw for: discussion of suicidal ideation and mention of self harm

hii just thought i would check in here. made some smaller updates to the site this time, although like i thought i would i still havent made a lot of progress on the redesign that ive been wanting to do (and its taken a lot not to completely purge my art showcase here cause rn i fucking hate anything ive ever made but then there would barely be any content here which would only make the site worse)... i havent really made much progress with anything in my life lately lol.

the only noteworthy thing i can take of as late is that i got started on testosterone hrt about 3 weeks ago:D as expected there havent been too many changes so far, but all welcome and im looking forward to more, like my voice dropping or getting more body hair. also happy to be doing this along with my wife who is now on E yay for them!!

i also completed the first part of my big compsci exam for university.. i still have the speaking exam to do soon which i honestly think is fucking stupid (not that im a big fan on any standardised or not testing to begin with) cause theres nothing in it you couldnt aks in like a multiple choice paper or something of the sort but oh well what can i do

otherwise im not doing very well lmao and today is actually my birthday. which i dont even celebrate, never particularly liked the attention and stuff that comes with it and i feel no personal connection to it anyways as the third host of the body only having taken over 3 years and some time ago. although i still cant help to notice one thing every year it passes by, for as long as i can remember i have been suicidal for every single one. and to be fair, i have quite shit memory and my earliest memories are from around age 12, but i know i had issues already from much earlier on, definitely since kindergarten from what retellings ive heard. and obviously its not the only time of the year i have struggled with such thoughts, i mean i have been addicted to self harm on and off for just as long, and its exactly because of that i realise ah yes, most people dont live their lives like this, in comparison to the mainstream societal idea of how people spend their birthdays. and im sure that only deepened the disconnect i, or technically the former inhabitants of the body at the time, had between them and their peers at a younger age (i mean now i exclusively hang out with other depressed trannies).

theres no particular point im trying to make with this honestly. my suicidal ideation usually goes through phases of passivity and vice versa as time (and my bipolar probably) passes. its just Really Really fucking tiring to do all of this. and im not high risk i dont think, i will manage to pull through especially with my wifes support (who is also struggling and i just wish i could be there for it more arhrhghrkdrg), and before that i was living by a plan that involved staying alive and having to live with myself as a punishment, normal stuff yk, until my eventual suicide in my early twenties. i had a weird "reasoning" for all that, which im not going to vget into rn but after getting into my current relationship ive pretty much given up on it after reconsidering some things. its honestly what allowed me to get on hrt finally, as otherwise i never wouldve bothered both as self punishment and just feeling like id be "taking away resources" from those who actually wanted a way to live out their lives as trans people.

and ahhh i still feel like im playing the victim by writing my little sob story, especially after listing oh, all the fucking positives that are happening in my life. but im still trying to go with healthier ways of coping, and i know that a couple years ago i wouldve been too anxious and paranoid to post things like this even anonimosly on some random vent account. but if you read all this then thank you sm for hearing me out!!! i hope things are going well for you and if not then i see you and im proud of you for persevering in this shitty world. and its dumb but i compulsively have to write this down, im sorry for subjecting you to my thoughts wahhh i should go to sleep i dont usually go around talking about these things and there are just so many bigger issues all around us wow